Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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