wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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