I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
