Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
