Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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