i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
