I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
