About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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