I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
two words...techno handjob
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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