I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
