I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
