I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
