remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
