I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
