I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
