Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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