the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
