Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
