The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
