i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
