I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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