who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
