I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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