I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
