Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
