as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am available for nakedness
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
