after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
