the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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