Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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