Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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