I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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