this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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