he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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