i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
