i permit you to call me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
