My Higher Power is John Stamos
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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