I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She bit a glass in half.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
