Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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