im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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