she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
