I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
