I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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