Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
