Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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