you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
