look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
