Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
