i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
