cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
