She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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