the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
