If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
