I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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